It’s no secret that Australians are the worst people in the word – and that’s coming from someone who lived there for 7 years growing up.
Australia is a racist little island led by a KKK-like leader called Tony Abbott who hates anyone who is not a white, able-bodied and male and who literally sinks immigrant boats off the shores, killing thousands of people in need every year. The incredibly dumb culture is like what would happen here in America if someone pumped the next generation’s veins full of two tons of Valium for everyday of their childhood, needlessly put them in special school and kicked them in repeatedly in the head with studded soles every time they had an original thought – Australians are so laid back they fall over and hurt themselves. It’s all beer, goon, racism, mates, kangaroos, pingas (some kind of drug) and celebrating War Criminals AKA the ANZACS and there’s nothing more to it – that’s what they’ve been up to since the Brits dropped them off in 1770. I am glad I got out of there when I did.
So anyway the Australian’s choice of condiment is what I’m going to talk about today. They have this thing called Vegemite and I’m not even sure it is worthy of being called a condiment but that’s the way they use it. It’s this icky, slimy, yucky black tar-like substance that tastes like salty yeast, but apparently, after having lived in the scorching sun for two hundred years, that and the fact that they’re the ancestors of stupid criminals, Australian’s have taken a liking to it. The problem with Vegemite however, is that it symbolizes everything that’s wrong with Australian culture – the racism, the apartheid, the intolerance. Here’s why.
Eating Vegemite is incredibly racist. Ever since the 1950’s or something, when Aboriginals were still classified as animals in the country, Vegemite has been a staple of the Australian breakfast. It’s been a way for white Australian families to symbolically consume and dominate Aboriginals, (who they still keep enslaved today using a system called Centrelink) by eating this black condiment the same color as their skin. When Gazza and his family sit down for breakfast and spread Vegemite on their toast, they’re literally taking Aboriginal culture and heritage, and spreading it on a piece of toast to eat in a sort of White Racist ritual of consumption. All Australians are aware of the fact that Vegemite was made so that White People can always feel like the have the upper hand, but they try to make it seem okay by saying it’s healthy and full of vitamin B. UM EXCUSE ME SHAZZA, GAZZA, BAZZA or whatever your racist Australian name is, do you not realize that every time you stick that black sticky stuff in your gob, that you’re literally putting Aboriginal culture in your mouth and swallowing it. I don’t get how Australia can see itself as a tolerant society where everyone is welcome, and still eat Vegemite, literally a symbol of oppression and the lost generation (the kids they stole from Aboriginals and used as slaves in their homes up until the 1970’s)
Now I am expecting all these racist Australians to be all like “What the hell does eating Vegemite have to do with racism against Aboriginals” and that’s exactly what I would expect from people like them. The truth is, you stole Australia from the Aboriginals who lived here peacefully in a wonderful society, and then you decided to steal the color of their skin and make a disgusting paste out of it, so that you could remind White Australia, that black is bad, that it’s not worthy and that it’s only good for Vitamin B.
If you’re stupid enough not to realize your own racism, you’re part of the problem. I am now speaking directly to you Gazza, stop eating Vegemite unless you want to lead your life as an outspoken racist for the rest of your life. In fact I don’t just want tell Aussies to stop Vegemite, I want to start a campaign to get Vegemite banned forever. That’s right, that’s what I am doing right now and that’s what’s going to happen. I am now officially starting the hashtag #BanVegemite and I really think this could become something. The few Australians who’re not racist have also had enough of the Vegemite Apartheid and I think they will join behind me and get this black stuff banned forever.
So yeah, together we are strong, anyone who’s Anti-Racist must join my campaign and get this stuff pulled from the shelves of Coles and Woollyworth. Tweet under #BanVegemite to discuss this with me and get Tony Abbott to fucking listen
This is Cassidy Boon – And fuck off you’re full (of yourselves).
Follow Cassidy on Twitter: Follow @CassidyBoon95